Conversations With An Honest, Yet Imaginary, Congressional Democrat

Question Asker Guy: Thank you for being here Mr. Imaginary Congressman from AnyState

Honest Imaginary Congressman: According to my official "Obama's Blind Lackey Guidebook" I'm to now begin my spiel about how we saved America from the Evil Insurance Companies. Did you know that an Evil Insurance Company attempted to deny coverage to some poor guy with HIV and then...

QAG: Is this the story about the Insurance company in South Carolina that was sued by the guy with HIV and then the Insurance Company had to pay the guy 10 million dollars?

HIC: I don't know. Maybe. My point being, Insurance Company's are evil and I hate them and so should you.

QAG: So as you see it, insurance companies are the problem?

HIC: No, even though insurance companies are evil and I hate them and so should you. The thing that makes me the most sad is the anywhere from 5 to 100 million people in the United States who are currently uninsured. That's really why we passed this Health Care Reform Bill.

QAG: Did you say, "anywhere from 5 to 100 million... uninsured."?

HIC: Yeah, it's fun to throw out meaningless numbers.

QAG: Do you actually know how many people living in the United States are currently without health insurance?

HIC: 46 million.

QAG: 46 million American citizens currently don't have health insurance?!

HIC: No. You didn't say American citizens. More than 10 million or so of that 46 million aren't US Citizens.

QAG: Okay, So there are 36 million or so American citizens can't get insurance?

HIC: No. Over 18 million or so Americans without health insurance are under the age of 34 and they don't want health insurance. But luckily, thanks to the new HC Reform Bill, now they'll have to get it. Which makes me happy for them.

QAG: Even though they don't want it?

HIC: Yes. I feel that they need it because I worry about them. Making them get health insurance will make me feel better.

QAG: Now the government will force them to purchase health insurance from...

HIC: ...from the Evil Insurance Companies which I hate and so should you.

QAG: So anyway, we're now down to 16 million- American citizens- who cannot afford health insurance and...

HIC: No.

QAG: What do you mean, No?

HIC: Well, there's probably a million or a couple million or so wealthy people who currently choose not to carry health insurance. Which makes me angry.

QAG: Why does that make you angry?

HIC: Because I hate wealthy people so very, very much. You see, apparently, finding and purchasing health insurance is a great big pain in the keister. Yet here you have these rich people with so much money, they don't even have to worry about it. It just wasn't fair.

QAG: Have you ever had to purchase your own health insurance?

HIC: Um, no. I am a career politician who tries so very hard everyday to help the poor stupid masses do what I think is best for them that surely I deserve to suckle my health insurance from the public's golden teat forever and ever.

QAG: So back to the uninsured... Where were we at? How many are left uninsured?

HIC: After the Non-US Citizens and the young people and the rich people... I think we're somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 million uninsured give or take.

QAG: So why don't these remaining 15 million or so qualify for Medicaid or some sort of State Children's Health Insurance Program?

HIC: Well, about 14 million or so already do qualify. But they haven't signed up.

QAG: So there's maybe less than a million people who want health insurance but can't get it because they are in high-risk pool?

HIC: Yes and that made me sad.

QAG: Wasn't there a simpler way to take care of these who had fallen through the cracks?

HIC: Look, we can all agree that we had a problem: There are uninsured people in America and that makes me sad. So the obvious answer is, we the government, will make everyone buy health insurance. So, as per usual, the answer to all of life's problems is massive government intrusion.

QAG: The government making people purchase insurance from private insurance companies?

HIC: Yes.

QAG: Who you hate?

HIC: Yes, they are evil and you should hate them too.

QAG: Wouldn't most insurance companies be completely on board with the current Healthcare Reform Bill?

HIC: Well, I'm sure they are. In fact, stock prices for all the major insurance companies have been going up steadily for the last year. However, with enough government intrusion into how the insurance companies are allowed to operate, I hope and pray that we can eventually legislate them into oblivion.

QAG: Why would you want to do that?

HIC: It's a secret. But I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with Fublic Foption and maybe even Funiversal Fealth Fare.

QAG: So how do your constituents feel about the HC Reform Bill?

HIC: Oh, the constituents? Well, Bless their ignorant hearts. They HATE it! Oh, my goodness how they hate it!

QAG: Why do they hate it?

HIC: Oh, some of them hate it because they're brainwashed by Sarah Palin. Some of them hate it because they're racists who hate Obama. Some of them hate it because it doesn't do anything to actually bring down the cost of health care. Some people wish we would've been focusing on jobs and the economy instead. Then finally, some of them hate it because they think that this it's a round-the-bend first baby step towards Funiversal Fealth Fare. [sticks hand down pants.]

QAG: Are you okay?

HIC: Yeah, I get a little bit engorged whenever I think about... y'know Funiversal Fealth Fare.

QAG: How do your constituents feel about your using the 'reconciliation' process to get this Health Care Reform Bill passed?

HIC: Well, let me just say that we did not use the 'deem and pass' method.

QAG: Yes, I know, but the reconciliation method was still used.

HIC: Yeah well, even though people kinda hate that reconciliation was used... They would've really really hated 'deem and pass'. So the 'deem and pass' threat really helped soften the blow for when we ultimately used the reconciliation method.

QAG: How so?

HIC: It's kinda like if I said to you, "I'm going to hold you down and cut off your big toe."

You'd say, "No, don't do that. I'd hate that."

So then I'd say, "Then I'm going to cut off your whole foot."

Then you'd say, "Oh no. That's even worse."

Then I'd make you feel better by saying, "Okay, I won't cut off your whole foot. Just your big toe."

Then presto, you don't mind having your big toe cut off quite so much.

QAG: I think I'd still be upset about having my big toe cut off.

HIC: Yeah, yeah you would as it turns out.

QAG: So what are your plans for the future?

HIC: Well, the Democratic Party is currently on a mission trying to 'sell' the public on all the new good things that the Health Care Reform Bill is gonna do for them.

QAG: So will you be campaigning on the strength of the Health Care Bill in order to secure your own reelection?

HIC: Me? No, not me. I'm retiring.